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Interview with Godzilla recorded at the 76th Academy Awards after-party and broadcast by RadioKaiju on 2-2-2004:

A surprise visitor to the ceremonies tonight was Godzilla, one of the biggest and most recognisable stars of Japanese cinema. After 50 years before the camera, he is no doubt used to all the pomp and ceremony of Tinsel Town, and conscious of his own tremendous significance to his many fans -- but he chose to maintain a low profile throughout. The Big G sat unobtrusively up the back during the Awards Ceremony, no doubt peeved that his own 2003 film was totally ignored by the Academy. We caught up with him just after midnight.

RK: So, Godzilla, what did you think of the Awards this year?

G: You mean apart from the fact that they screwed me over again.

RK: Be fair. Your films are Japanese and the Oscars represent an American institution.

G: Hey, how American is Peter Jackson?

RK: Good point. What do you think of Jackson's win?

G: Well, I'm happy for him and his crew and all that. A grand effort. I have friends who were in RETURN OF THE KING so I can hardly quibble...

RK: Friends? Really? Who would that be?

G: Hey, Shelob and I go way back. I've known her since she was a hatchling. And her grandfather and I worked together in SON OF GODZILLA and a few other films.

RK: She's related to Spiega?

G: Kumonga, man! He'll bite your head off if you call him Spiega!

RK: Sorry. I didn't know Shelob was a relative of Kumonga's.

G: She inherited her mother's looks.

RK: Do you know anyone else in RETURN?

G: I met one or two of the Oliphants a few years ago, just when pre-production was getting under way. Nice guys -- though a tad naive when it comes to the industry. Reckoned their roles would be the start of something big. Ha! Their scenes were OK, but I knew the Academy would pass them by without a glance. And where are they gonna go from there, you know? How many giant Oliphant pics are we gonna see appearing in the afterwash, even though RETURN's been a big success?

RK: I heard a rumour that James Cameron wants to do a live-action re-make of DUMBO.

G: The Oliphant guys aren't that cuddly.

RK: True. I suppose you realise that Peter Jackson's next project is a big-budget affair featuring your old rival, King Kong?

G: [roars loudly and angrily, fire rages] Sorry. Did I get you at all?

RK: A few third-degree burns. Doesn't matter. What was that all about though? You sound pissed off.

G: It's Kong. Everywhere I turn, there's Kong. I swear, one day I'm gonna --

[There is another rushing, burning sound and a sizzling explosion.]

RK: [Gasping, desperate] Maybe we'd better talk about something else.

G: I tell you, man -- and this is a goddam exclusive -- I've been in negotiations with Jackson, and he's more-or-less promised to dump that loser as soon as he can work out some of the contractual issues. You'll be hearing all about it soon.

RK: He's not going to make KING KONG?

G: Kong's out! I'm in.

RK: You'll be working with Peter Jackson?

G: Absolutely. He's big at the moment -- and so am I. Bigger than that damn Kong. To be totally frank, I told Jackson earlier tonight that if he didn't get rid of Kong, he'd regret it, big time.

RK: You threatened him?

G: Me? Threaten? Ha! Let's just say I pointed out exactly how long New Zealand would remain on the map if I decided it needed some renovation, Tokyo-style.

RK: Um... That's not exactly fair, is it?

G: Fair shmair. This is business, man.

RK: So you'll be filming in New Zealand?

G: Hey, there's no script yet, but I'm thinking along the lines of a LORD OF THE RINGS sequel. Forget THE HOBBIT! Who wants to see more of those wimps? No, I'm thinking it'll be set it Middle-Earth immediately after the end of the War of the Ring, you know. When the volcano in Mordor blows, guess who gets woken up and pops out of the lava?

RK: Great! What then?

G: Oh, I dunno. Maybe I get to squash a few of those damn elves, ravage the countryside, smash Gondor... I sorta like the idea that Saruman's been brewing up an ancient monstrosity in the bowels of the Earth under Isengard... a combination of a demonic being and retro mecha-technology perhaps... The fate of the Saruman character was left a bit up-in-the-air, don't ya reckon?

RK: Sounds great.

G: Of course it does. Anyway, I admit there's liable to be a few problems with the Tolkien estate, not to mention Toho, but my agent's working on it. And Chris Lee's keen.

RK: Who is your agent?

G: [looking a bit evasive] Well, actually I took on Hedorah as my agent a while back, when he dropped his ambitions as an actor. He wanted to be the hero, you know, but everyone realised THAT wasn't gonna work. Anyway, he decided to set up as an agent instead. He's not bad at it. Juggles crap like he was born to it and loves all that muck that gets tossed around in the studio boardrooms!

RK: Amazing! I'm sure our listeners will be fascinated to hear that. So Smoggy brokered the deal with Jackson?

G: Na. That was all me. I know how to work the scene.

RK: Well, congratulations. It sounds very exciting, though it's also quite a change for you.

G: Yeah, well, I've been thinking about making the move downunder for some time.

RK: Why?

G: [lowers his voice] This is confidential, but I have it on good authority that all the world except Australia and New Zealand got vaporised in a massive apocalpyse back in the mid-80s, but the Aussies have been using Matrix-style technology to keep the illusion going ever since then. Now they're starting to let it break down, in preparation for the Big Revelation. I mean, did you pay attention at the ceremonies tonight? Exactly how many Yank accents did you hear coming out of the mouths of winners? Not too many, I tell ya.

RK: Hmmm, interesting theory.

G: Yeah, well, we'll see. Until then, Jackson's the man!

RK: He is indeed. Well, thank you for your time, Godzilla. Hopefully next year you'll finally make an appearance at the Oscars yourself.

G: That's the plan!

Written by Robert Hood in February 2004
in response to staying up too late watching the Oscars,
and posted to the MessageFromCyberspace discussion forum


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