ON OSCAR NIGHT 2004
with Godzilla recorded at the 76th Academy Awards after-party
and broadcast by RadioKaiju on 2-2-2004:
A surprise visitor to the ceremonies tonight was Godzilla,
one of the biggest and most recognisable stars of Japanese
cinema. After 50 years before the camera, he is no doubt
used to all the pomp and ceremony of Tinsel Town, and
conscious of his own tremendous significance to his
many fans -- but he chose to maintain a low profile
throughout. The Big G sat unobtrusively up the back
during the Awards Ceremony, no doubt peeved that his
own 2003 film was totally ignored by the Academy. We
caught up with him just after midnight.
RK: So, Godzilla, what did you think of the Awards this
You mean apart from the fact that they screwed me over
Be fair. Your films are Japanese and the Oscars represent
an American institution.
Hey, how American is Peter Jackson?
Good point. What do you think of Jackson's win?
Well, I'm happy for him and his crew and all that. A
grand effort. I have friends who were in RETURN OF THE
KING so I can hardly quibble...
Friends? Really? Who would that be?
Hey, Shelob and I go way back. I've known her since
she was a hatchling. And her grandfather and I worked
together in SON OF GODZILLA and a few other films.
She's related to Spiega?
Kumonga, man! He'll bite your head off if you call him
Sorry. I didn't know Shelob was a relative of Kumonga's.
She inherited her mother's looks.
Do you know anyone else in RETURN?
I met one or two of the Oliphants a few years ago, just
when pre-production was getting under way. Nice guys
-- though a tad naive when it comes to the industry.
Reckoned their roles would be the start of something
big. Ha! Their scenes were OK, but I knew the Academy
would pass them by without a glance. And where are they
gonna go from there, you know? How many giant Oliphant
pics are we gonna see appearing in the afterwash, even
though RETURN's been a big success?
I heard a rumour that James Cameron wants to do a live-action
re-make of DUMBO.
The Oliphant guys aren't that cuddly.
True. I suppose you realise that Peter Jackson's next
project is a big-budget affair featuring your old rival,
[roars loudly and angrily, fire rages] Sorry. Did I
get you at all?
A few third-degree burns. Doesn't matter. What was that
all about though? You sound pissed off.
It's Kong. Everywhere I turn, there's Kong. I swear,
one day I'm gonna --
is another rushing, burning sound and a sizzling explosion.]
[Gasping, desperate] Maybe we'd better talk about something
I tell you, man -- and this is a goddam exclusive --
I've been in negotiations with Jackson, and he's more-or-less
promised to dump that loser as soon as he can work out
some of the contractual issues. You'll be hearing all
about it soon.
He's not going to make KING KONG?
Kong's out! I'm in.
You'll be working with Peter Jackson?
Absolutely. He's big at the moment -- and so am I. Bigger
than that damn Kong. To be totally frank, I told Jackson
earlier tonight that if he didn't get rid of Kong, he'd
regret it, big time.
You threatened him?
Me? Threaten? Ha! Let's just say I pointed out exactly
how long New Zealand would remain on the map if I decided
it needed some renovation, Tokyo-style.
Um... That's not exactly fair, is it?
Fair shmair. This is business, man.
So you'll be filming in New Zealand?
Hey, there's no script yet, but I'm thinking along the
lines of a LORD OF THE RINGS sequel. Forget THE HOBBIT!
Who wants to see more of those wimps? No, I'm thinking
it'll be set it Middle-Earth immediately after the end
of the War of the Ring, you know. When the volcano in
Mordor blows, guess who gets woken up and pops out of
Great! What then?
Oh, I dunno. Maybe I get to squash a few of those damn
elves, ravage the countryside, smash Gondor... I sorta
like the idea that Saruman's been brewing up an ancient
monstrosity in the bowels of the Earth under Isengard...
a combination of a demonic being and retro mecha-technology
perhaps... The fate of the Saruman character was left
a bit up-in-the-air, don't ya reckon?
Of course it does. Anyway, I admit there's liable to
be a few problems with the Tolkien estate, not to mention
Toho, but my agent's working on it. And Chris Lee's
Who is your agent?
[looking a bit evasive] Well, actually I took on Hedorah
as my agent a while back, when he dropped his ambitions
as an actor. He wanted to be the hero, you know, but
everyone realised THAT wasn't gonna work. Anyway, he
decided to set up as an agent instead. He's not bad
at it. Juggles crap like he was born to it and loves
all that muck that gets tossed around in the studio
Amazing! I'm sure our listeners will be fascinated to
hear that. So Smoggy brokered the deal with Jackson?
Na. That was all me. I know how to work the scene.
Well, congratulations. It sounds very exciting, though
it's also quite a change for you.
Yeah, well, I've been thinking about making the move
downunder for some time.
[lowers his voice] This is confidential, but I have
it on good authority that all the world except Australia
and New Zealand got vaporised in a massive apocalpyse
back in the mid-80s, but the Aussies have been using
Matrix-style technology to keep the illusion going ever
since then. Now they're starting to let it break down,
in preparation for the Big Revelation. I mean, did you
pay attention at the ceremonies tonight? Exactly how
many Yank accents did you hear coming out of the mouths
of winners? Not too many, I tell ya.
Hmmm, interesting theory.
Yeah, well, we'll see. Until then, Jackson's the man!
He is indeed. Well, thank you for your time, Godzilla.
Hopefully next year you'll finally make an appearance
at the Oscars yourself.
That's the plan!