Dear TINOTS Team,
We have a huge monster in our garden. It's invisible
and totally silent. It also has a bad odour yet we cannot
smell it. And it hovers and it leaves no trace at all.
From Patrick Cundall (10) [received by e-mail]

Dear Patrick,
That's a toughie. Obviously there's no way you can tell
if it's there, but you can get rid of it.
Here's what you must do: never take a
bath, eat lots of garlic, cover yourself in dog poo,
then stand in your garden shouting everything you
learnt in Maths that day over and over again. The
monster will run for its life and you'll never not
see it again.
PS. This will probably get rid of your neighbours too
-- and all your friends -- so I hope you don't
like any of them!

Where I live it's very bushy. The other day I found huge footprints
along the bush track where I always walk.
Could this be caused by a Bigfoot?
Sincerely, Bushwalker

Dear Bushwalker,
It might be caused by a big foot. Check your shoe size.

Is it possible to meet a vampire in the middle of the day?
Signed, Sonny

Dear Sonny,
Sure, if you make an appointment.
That way the vampire will know to wear 50+ blockout,
a sunhat and dark glasses.

I've watched all those Godzilla movies and really love them.
But if there really are monsters that size,
how come I've never seen one in real life?
Yours, Big Julie

Dear Big Julie,
They're very shy and not very smart.
They spend most of their free time at home
learning their lines.

Troubled by monsters? Send a message to the TINOTS team and all your troubles will soon be over!
Or write to CREEPER Hotline, c/o Hodder Headline, PO Box 386, Rydalmare NSW 2116 Australia.

Copyright note: all written material on this website is copyright 1996 Bill Condon and Robert Hood.

Return to main page

Revised: 7 July 1996
Direct comments and questions to: